When attempting to start the engine cranked and sputtered and shut off, no lights, radio, milage, gas gauge, buttons, nothing

I went to turn on my car this morning and it completely shut down! The first time I turned the key and cranked the engine it sputtered a bit, so I attempted it again. Then it completely shut off. No lights, radio, milage, gas gauge, buttons--nothing.

It doesn't respond to a jump, any buttons on the doors or keys, and while I can turn the key as normal, absolutely nothing happens--not even sound.

I checked all the fuses and they're fine and the battery was replaced (brand new) less than 5 months ago.

Please help!