2003 Ford Focus Won't start... With fun side-effects!

Hi! My car won't start. When I turn the key, any, all or none of the following happens:1. the digital clock comes on; 2. the odometer flashes the right mileage, "J555" or random "lines" light up; 3. instrument panel lights light up in random order, for random periods of time, but never the CHECK ENGINE light; 4. a "crackling" comes out of the speaker in the driver side door; 5. an "electrical noise" comes out of the fuse box; 6. the started will "click click click" but nothing else ever happens in the engine. My apprentice-mechanic friend looked at it and first thought it just needed a jump, but the battery is fine (though at one point it read 12V, 7V, 5V, 8V within a matter of 30 seconds without the key in the ignition). what do you think? THANKS